Sometimes for insight, I'll read back through my previous writings. I like to recall where certain situations started, the drama I felt within that moment, and then gain perspective from the present. A certain situation I recently read about hasn't offered me much growth, only a bit of distance.
I was hit with the bittersweet pang of nostalgia and wanted to share this particular unsent letter:
Last week when everybody left
and I gave you a ride home,
your hand brushed mine -
though you kept it light.
My mind wandered
and I could barely keep my cool.
I said nothing in response to your small talk and
kept my breathing steady.
But when I looked over
and glimpsed your smile,
the flashbacks of what we could've been
replayed in my mind -
my fantasies of you and I together
laughing, dancing, loving, sexing
ugh, you had no idea.
you just kept us in reality.
Because you've already got a girl
and would do her no wrong,
and I don't want to intrude,
but I want you know that I wish you would've waited for me.
In the midst of your small talk you mentioned one thing that stuck in my head.
You said, "You and me - we're too late."
too late.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
It's been a while...
It's been a while for a lot of things. 1) a blog post, 2) a feeling of security, 3)(the reason for this blog) a Boyfriend.
So as we can guess by now, I've given up on the idea of of dropping my phone number off with a random stranger. I can't explain why that method isn't for me other than it isn't. If I had to pinpoint the reason, I'd say it's probably because I'm beyond the phase in life where I'm fooled by good looks and I'm onto the phase of life where making me laugh can be the sexiest thing a man can do. A drive-by number-drop only takes into account looks, which I'm only semi interested in these days.
Now that I've abandoned my original assignment, where does this leave me? I'll tell you where - in the uncomfortable land of self-reflection and changing old habits. eek. With some thorough pondering, I've figured out that I'm missing the skill set that clues guys I'm interested in into the fact that I am indeed, interested. I'm also missing the skill set that guides me not toward the left-hand turn leading to the Land of Friendship, or the right hand turn directed toward Fun Buddy Island, but to the road straight down the center to Boyfriendville. I clearly can't get from point A to BF (insert bad joke sound effect).
How's that for self-reflection? (Okay, I can't take full credit, I've had some consultants weigh in on my insufficiencies).
Onto developing skill sets: These skills, the ones that allow me to be normal, rather than completely awkward and unsure around love-interests, are the hardest skills for me to acquire. I'm not quite sure when I became my own worst enemy, but I can see clearly that while I love the way my mind thinks in general work and social situations, when it comes to matters of the heart, my mind paralyzes me.
Protecting my ego, preserving friendships, the fear of making somebody else uncomfortable...all reasons I've second - and third - guessed myself and my actions. I worry about everything, all while ensuring my protective armor is in tact so I won't be made a fool. I long to feel the way Beyonce portrays in Halo: "Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they're tumbling down, and they didn't even put up a fight." Can it really be that easy - or (more realistically) is that just good songwriting?
I see budding relationships everyday and wonder what the heck other girls are doing that I'm not. Are they being verbally open with their feelings, texting more, being more available, brushing, touching, hinting more? And at what point do those actions become pleas of desperation or considered too forward? How might one know if these advances are welcomed? I tell you what, I have no freaking clue. I have quite possibly the WORST radar on the planet. I think my success rate at guessing if people like me or not is probably around 5%, if even that high. The guys that I think are all in and have tons of potential really only think of me as just a friend - ugh. The ones that may actually like me for a bit, get shunned because it's not painted clear as day for me. But of course, I'm not quite sure of this because again, my radar is broken.
*BIG SIGH. I'm signing off here.
So as we can guess by now, I've given up on the idea of of dropping my phone number off with a random stranger. I can't explain why that method isn't for me other than it isn't. If I had to pinpoint the reason, I'd say it's probably because I'm beyond the phase in life where I'm fooled by good looks and I'm onto the phase of life where making me laugh can be the sexiest thing a man can do. A drive-by number-drop only takes into account looks, which I'm only semi interested in these days.
Now that I've abandoned my original assignment, where does this leave me? I'll tell you where - in the uncomfortable land of self-reflection and changing old habits. eek. With some thorough pondering, I've figured out that I'm missing the skill set that clues guys I'm interested in into the fact that I am indeed, interested. I'm also missing the skill set that guides me not toward the left-hand turn leading to the Land of Friendship, or the right hand turn directed toward Fun Buddy Island, but to the road straight down the center to Boyfriendville. I clearly can't get from point A to BF (insert bad joke sound effect).
How's that for self-reflection? (Okay, I can't take full credit, I've had some consultants weigh in on my insufficiencies).
Onto developing skill sets: These skills, the ones that allow me to be normal, rather than completely awkward and unsure around love-interests, are the hardest skills for me to acquire. I'm not quite sure when I became my own worst enemy, but I can see clearly that while I love the way my mind thinks in general work and social situations, when it comes to matters of the heart, my mind paralyzes me.
Protecting my ego, preserving friendships, the fear of making somebody else uncomfortable...all reasons I've second - and third - guessed myself and my actions. I worry about everything, all while ensuring my protective armor is in tact so I won't be made a fool. I long to feel the way Beyonce portrays in Halo: "Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they're tumbling down, and they didn't even put up a fight." Can it really be that easy - or (more realistically) is that just good songwriting?
I see budding relationships everyday and wonder what the heck other girls are doing that I'm not. Are they being verbally open with their feelings, texting more, being more available, brushing, touching, hinting more? And at what point do those actions become pleas of desperation or considered too forward? How might one know if these advances are welcomed? I tell you what, I have no freaking clue. I have quite possibly the WORST radar on the planet. I think my success rate at guessing if people like me or not is probably around 5%, if even that high. The guys that I think are all in and have tons of potential really only think of me as just a friend - ugh. The ones that may actually like me for a bit, get shunned because it's not painted clear as day for me. But of course, I'm not quite sure of this because again, my radar is broken.
*BIG SIGH. I'm signing off here.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day 15? - I'll take regular please
I remember in my early 20's, all I wanted was somebody hot...the more swagger the better. I wanted glamour, lust, passion and fantasy. I went through a lot of these types of men, becoming more and more disheartened and less-confident by the moment. I hit a breaking point last year. I gave up on everybody and on the idea that I would ever find anybody who wasn't an asshole.
Which brings me to now. I've found myself at a peaceful and content place. I've found the value in numerous men since then. I've found that nobody is going to fulfil my fantasy, but that doesn't mean that nobody will satisfy me. I hate to say I've lowered my expectations, because I still expect a lot out of a future boyfriend, but I've changed my ideal relationships/interactions from the hot and unique to regular and honest. As I near the next decade of my life, I find myself desiring regular - somebody who might not be a model-type, but may be the most handsome person in my own eyes. Maybe this person has a hidden sense of humor that only comes out after the walls come down. This guy surprises me by following through on the littlest things, reminding me that a man is indeed only as good as his word.
Through all this I find myself in the same place I started: single...only a little less bitter about it.
Which brings me to now. I've found myself at a peaceful and content place. I've found the value in numerous men since then. I've found that nobody is going to fulfil my fantasy, but that doesn't mean that nobody will satisfy me. I hate to say I've lowered my expectations, because I still expect a lot out of a future boyfriend, but I've changed my ideal relationships/interactions from the hot and unique to regular and honest. As I near the next decade of my life, I find myself desiring regular - somebody who might not be a model-type, but may be the most handsome person in my own eyes. Maybe this person has a hidden sense of humor that only comes out after the walls come down. This guy surprises me by following through on the littlest things, reminding me that a man is indeed only as good as his word.
Through all this I find myself in the same place I started: single...only a little less bitter about it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 10, 11, 12, 13 - quintessential chick lit in the flesh
I'm going to maintain my "worst blogger on the internet" status and gloss over days 10, 11, 12 and 13.
Friday i.e. Day 10: Dance Camp and Beavers baseball game outing
My co-workers, who are highly invested in the quest for me finding a boyfriend and in BF Training Wheels, had some suggestions when I told them how unsuccessful I have been at handing out my number to random strangers. I've got to give credit where credit is due, because my co-workers had some fantastic suggestions. The first and easiest was to pre-write down my number on a piece of paper and keep them in my pocket, so if the opportunity should present itself, I'll have no excuse to fail. The second suggestion, which I thought was INGENIOUS, was an update from the old damsel in distress routine. While waiting in line at the Beavers baseball game, if I should see a handsome stranger but have no way to strike up a conversation, I should order way too much food (for my "friends" of course) and ask him for help in carrying it back. The third suggestion was great too, but at the moment, I can't remember what it was.
I saw one person about 20 feet away, however, I didn't want to get out of line, because I had been waiting in it for SO long, and I also was unsure if this prospect was of acceptable age. I have a tendency to "pick em young," so without prior conversation, I didn't think the number dusting routine was going to be the best option. That was the extent of luck for Friday.
Unsuccessful = 10, successful = 0
Day 11 - Saturday -
Dance Camp. 20 girls, 0 boys.
nuff said
Day 12, Sunday -
Busy day today, and while I had no opportunities to number dust anybody, my friend Steven gave me a small escape from "single world" by being a great sport and attending happy hour and a dance concert with me, my friend Jill and her BF Casey. Thanks Steven, it was nice to not be the third wheel for once.
Day 13 - Monday,
Work in the basement, lunch at Aztek Wiley's (sp?) and home. I'm exhausted and haven't gone anywhere since I got home. I realized I've turned into the quentssential chick lit character. I'm sitting on my sofa, with a glass of red wine watching How Do I Look, a touching make-over story. The worst part? I'm tearing up. Don't worry, I held them in, but seriously, just call me Bridget Jones right now.
Please excuse the horrible writing....I'm too lazy to edit today.
Friday i.e. Day 10: Dance Camp and Beavers baseball game outing
My co-workers, who are highly invested in the quest for me finding a boyfriend and in BF Training Wheels, had some suggestions when I told them how unsuccessful I have been at handing out my number to random strangers. I've got to give credit where credit is due, because my co-workers had some fantastic suggestions. The first and easiest was to pre-write down my number on a piece of paper and keep them in my pocket, so if the opportunity should present itself, I'll have no excuse to fail. The second suggestion, which I thought was INGENIOUS, was an update from the old damsel in distress routine. While waiting in line at the Beavers baseball game, if I should see a handsome stranger but have no way to strike up a conversation, I should order way too much food (for my "friends" of course) and ask him for help in carrying it back. The third suggestion was great too, but at the moment, I can't remember what it was.
I saw one person about 20 feet away, however, I didn't want to get out of line, because I had been waiting in it for SO long, and I also was unsure if this prospect was of acceptable age. I have a tendency to "pick em young," so without prior conversation, I didn't think the number dusting routine was going to be the best option. That was the extent of luck for Friday.
Unsuccessful = 10, successful = 0
Day 11 - Saturday -
Dance Camp. 20 girls, 0 boys.
nuff said
Day 12, Sunday -
Busy day today, and while I had no opportunities to number dust anybody, my friend Steven gave me a small escape from "single world" by being a great sport and attending happy hour and a dance concert with me, my friend Jill and her BF Casey. Thanks Steven, it was nice to not be the third wheel for once.
Day 13 - Monday,
Work in the basement, lunch at Aztek Wiley's (sp?) and home. I'm exhausted and haven't gone anywhere since I got home. I realized I've turned into the quentssential chick lit character. I'm sitting on my sofa, with a glass of red wine watching How Do I Look, a touching make-over story. The worst part? I'm tearing up. Don't worry, I held them in, but seriously, just call me Bridget Jones right now.
Please excuse the horrible writing....I'm too lazy to edit today.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Day 9 - Bloodshot eyes
I was so tired all of today (Thursday), and after work I went to the studio and taught two classes....which made me exhausted AND tired.
I went home at 9, showered, made myself 2 quesadillas in the microwave and poured a glass of wine. Uploaded dance videos, read 2 chapters of The Glass Castle and went to bed.
Another great day being single, however, still unsuccessful at handing my number out to random -albeit handsome - strangers.
Unsuccessful = 9
Successful = 0
I went home at 9, showered, made myself 2 quesadillas in the microwave and poured a glass of wine. Uploaded dance videos, read 2 chapters of The Glass Castle and went to bed.
Another great day being single, however, still unsuccessful at handing my number out to random -albeit handsome - strangers.
Unsuccessful = 9
Successful = 0
Day 8 - Good Friend, Good Food
Again, my opportunity to recruit new men into my realm of.....being single was quite slim today. I went to work and was thoroughly entertained all day and then celebrated a night off of dancing with a delicious dinner cooked by my friend, Steven. Other than being paranoid that his "grill" was going to light the house on fire, I had a great and relaxing night filled with some clever jokes (not all were gems), quasi-deep conversation, and Tosh.0.
However, despite the fun factor of the day, I still failed miserably in finding somebody to give my number to.
Unsuccessful = 8
Successful = 0
However, despite the fun factor of the day, I still failed miserably in finding somebody to give my number to.
Unsuccessful = 8
Successful = 0
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 7 - A half a baker's dozen worth of donut holes
I had a mini epiphany today...I think one of the major reasons I haven't had a bf in 7 years is that I absolutely adore and love my guy friends. LOVE. I find so much emotional pleasure and satisfaction from these guys that after days like today, I already feel fulfilled.
Ladies, I know how to pick 'em, apparently I just can't get them for myself.
Maybe that won't sound so epiphanyish tomorrow. I'll let you know.
>>>>>UPDATE and RECAP.
This still sounds like an epiphany today (4 days later), and moreover, I think I've had another one: I think I've been single for so long because I like variety and freedom. This still doesn't solve the dilemma of having variety yet having stability. If anybody has any suggestions for that one....let me know.
Ladies, I know how to pick 'em, apparently I just can't get them for myself.
Maybe that won't sound so epiphanyish tomorrow. I'll let you know.
>>>>>UPDATE and RECAP.
This still sounds like an epiphany today (4 days later), and moreover, I think I've had another one: I think I've been single for so long because I like variety and freedom. This still doesn't solve the dilemma of having variety yet having stability. If anybody has any suggestions for that one....let me know.
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