Sometimes for insight, I'll read back through my previous writings. I like to recall where certain situations started, the drama I felt within that moment, and then gain perspective from the present. A certain situation I recently read about hasn't offered me much growth, only a bit of distance.
I was hit with the bittersweet pang of nostalgia and wanted to share this particular unsent letter:
Last week when everybody left
and I gave you a ride home,
your hand brushed mine -
though you kept it light.
My mind wandered
and I could barely keep my cool.
I said nothing in response to your small talk and
kept my breathing steady.
But when I looked over
and glimpsed your smile,
the flashbacks of what we could've been
replayed in my mind -
my fantasies of you and I together
laughing, dancing, loving, sexing
ugh, you had no idea.
you just kept us in reality.
Because you've already got a girl
and would do her no wrong,
and I don't want to intrude,
but I want you know that I wish you would've waited for me.
In the midst of your small talk you mentioned one thing that stuck in my head.
You said, "You and me - we're too late."
too late.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
It's been a while...
It's been a while for a lot of things. 1) a blog post, 2) a feeling of security, 3)(the reason for this blog) a Boyfriend.
So as we can guess by now, I've given up on the idea of of dropping my phone number off with a random stranger. I can't explain why that method isn't for me other than it isn't. If I had to pinpoint the reason, I'd say it's probably because I'm beyond the phase in life where I'm fooled by good looks and I'm onto the phase of life where making me laugh can be the sexiest thing a man can do. A drive-by number-drop only takes into account looks, which I'm only semi interested in these days.
Now that I've abandoned my original assignment, where does this leave me? I'll tell you where - in the uncomfortable land of self-reflection and changing old habits. eek. With some thorough pondering, I've figured out that I'm missing the skill set that clues guys I'm interested in into the fact that I am indeed, interested. I'm also missing the skill set that guides me not toward the left-hand turn leading to the Land of Friendship, or the right hand turn directed toward Fun Buddy Island, but to the road straight down the center to Boyfriendville. I clearly can't get from point A to BF (insert bad joke sound effect).
How's that for self-reflection? (Okay, I can't take full credit, I've had some consultants weigh in on my insufficiencies).
Onto developing skill sets: These skills, the ones that allow me to be normal, rather than completely awkward and unsure around love-interests, are the hardest skills for me to acquire. I'm not quite sure when I became my own worst enemy, but I can see clearly that while I love the way my mind thinks in general work and social situations, when it comes to matters of the heart, my mind paralyzes me.
Protecting my ego, preserving friendships, the fear of making somebody else uncomfortable...all reasons I've second - and third - guessed myself and my actions. I worry about everything, all while ensuring my protective armor is in tact so I won't be made a fool. I long to feel the way Beyonce portrays in Halo: "Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they're tumbling down, and they didn't even put up a fight." Can it really be that easy - or (more realistically) is that just good songwriting?
I see budding relationships everyday and wonder what the heck other girls are doing that I'm not. Are they being verbally open with their feelings, texting more, being more available, brushing, touching, hinting more? And at what point do those actions become pleas of desperation or considered too forward? How might one know if these advances are welcomed? I tell you what, I have no freaking clue. I have quite possibly the WORST radar on the planet. I think my success rate at guessing if people like me or not is probably around 5%, if even that high. The guys that I think are all in and have tons of potential really only think of me as just a friend - ugh. The ones that may actually like me for a bit, get shunned because it's not painted clear as day for me. But of course, I'm not quite sure of this because again, my radar is broken.
*BIG SIGH. I'm signing off here.
So as we can guess by now, I've given up on the idea of of dropping my phone number off with a random stranger. I can't explain why that method isn't for me other than it isn't. If I had to pinpoint the reason, I'd say it's probably because I'm beyond the phase in life where I'm fooled by good looks and I'm onto the phase of life where making me laugh can be the sexiest thing a man can do. A drive-by number-drop only takes into account looks, which I'm only semi interested in these days.
Now that I've abandoned my original assignment, where does this leave me? I'll tell you where - in the uncomfortable land of self-reflection and changing old habits. eek. With some thorough pondering, I've figured out that I'm missing the skill set that clues guys I'm interested in into the fact that I am indeed, interested. I'm also missing the skill set that guides me not toward the left-hand turn leading to the Land of Friendship, or the right hand turn directed toward Fun Buddy Island, but to the road straight down the center to Boyfriendville. I clearly can't get from point A to BF (insert bad joke sound effect).
How's that for self-reflection? (Okay, I can't take full credit, I've had some consultants weigh in on my insufficiencies).
Onto developing skill sets: These skills, the ones that allow me to be normal, rather than completely awkward and unsure around love-interests, are the hardest skills for me to acquire. I'm not quite sure when I became my own worst enemy, but I can see clearly that while I love the way my mind thinks in general work and social situations, when it comes to matters of the heart, my mind paralyzes me.
Protecting my ego, preserving friendships, the fear of making somebody else uncomfortable...all reasons I've second - and third - guessed myself and my actions. I worry about everything, all while ensuring my protective armor is in tact so I won't be made a fool. I long to feel the way Beyonce portrays in Halo: "Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they're tumbling down, and they didn't even put up a fight." Can it really be that easy - or (more realistically) is that just good songwriting?
I see budding relationships everyday and wonder what the heck other girls are doing that I'm not. Are they being verbally open with their feelings, texting more, being more available, brushing, touching, hinting more? And at what point do those actions become pleas of desperation or considered too forward? How might one know if these advances are welcomed? I tell you what, I have no freaking clue. I have quite possibly the WORST radar on the planet. I think my success rate at guessing if people like me or not is probably around 5%, if even that high. The guys that I think are all in and have tons of potential really only think of me as just a friend - ugh. The ones that may actually like me for a bit, get shunned because it's not painted clear as day for me. But of course, I'm not quite sure of this because again, my radar is broken.
*BIG SIGH. I'm signing off here.
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