How to Flirt 101

I workout on a weekly basis with my good friend Bill.  He's a successful 60 year old man with a corny, yet endearing sense of humor.  He makes friends with anybody and everybody.

Bill and I worked out today at 24 Hour Fitness.  I always tend to scope out the gym and guide us toward the machines next to the cutest guys.  Today there happened to be three guys working out together.  One of them I recognized as an acquaintance's boyfriend, the second a tall and handsome guy in a Yale shirt, and the third a couple notches away from Trey Songz.  I had my eye on the third guy, but didn't make any eye contact.  You see, I was looking a hot mess, and didn't think that trying to get anybody's attention was in my best interest.  Bill and I completed a couple sets of seated rows then headed across the gym to the free weights.  Much to my delight, the gentlemen's workout led them right to our area.  I kept making failed attempts at flirting by looking at Pseudo-Trey, then looking quickly away.  Let me tell you, that will NEVER work...EVER. Bill must have noticed my failed attempts because he picked up on the vibe and said to the guy in the Yale t-shirt, who happened to be writing down their workout, "Leave it to the guy from Yale to log the workout a notebook."

Kudos, Bill, Kudos!  What an excellent opening.  We all chuckled, and Mr. Yale made a cute joke about making a spreadsheet about it later. Well, now that I think about it, it may not have been a joke.  Bill keeps the small talk going and finds out that Mr. Yale is finishing up his Ph.D. in History and plans to become a professor.  A little while later, Bill loudly starts talking about how he's going to find me a dork, and set me up with one of his neighbors.  Bill is goooood.  Man with just that one over-pronounced comment, he alerted the fellas that I was single, looking, and that I liked dorks aka smart people.  I picked up what Bill was laying down and loudly replied that I didn't like just any dork, but cute and funny dorks.

It might have been my over-active imagination of making things up, but not long after that I swear that Pseudo-Trey started finding openings for some pretty funny one-liners.

Nothing beyond that happened, but hopefully next time I run into my gym guy, I can start a good conversation and get a little further, i.e. asked out on a date or something.

I definitely took notes on Bill's easy conversation starters;  I'll let you all know when he begins giving workshops.

Issues

You know you have issues when your latest conversation goes like this:

New Guy: can I give you a tip?

Me: sure

New Guy: don’t chew me up and spit me out. 

Double Eek. 

I _____ You.

Though I may not have the natural ability to find relationships, I apparently kick ass at the first and/or second date. 

A while back I had a great first date with Red, followed by a really cute second "date."  I use quotations here because I don't count hanging out as a date.  Regardless this second "date" consisted us lounging around, making jokes and talking nonsense.  In a spitfire round of nonsense and random banter Red asked, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" 

I, having seen that episode of the Simpsons, started clapping with one hand in response.  Red was super impressed. Why? I can't be entirely sure; maybe he really liked the Simpsons.  But he thought it was hilarious and blurted out, "I love you!"  We both laughed as he continued on talking about how he was going to profess his love that instant on my Facebook wall.  I told him that if he did, I'd be fielding all  subsequent inquiries to him, because that would be huge news in my world! He must have been scared of the fallout because he didn't actually pull the trigger on further professing his love.

Fast forward to the more recent past.   Another first date, this time with a guy I met out and about.  I've never seen him without a hat so from this day forward he shall be known as Hat Guy.  Hat Guy and I texted for about three weeks before we managed to follow through on a first date. Well, to be honest, we texted for three weeks until I managed to follow through on a first date.  By the time we met for our date we'd already established that both of us were decent at entertaining and being somewhat funny. 

The first leg of our date started with a drink at a trendy pub.  We warmed it up with a round of drinks and started the witty quips and one-liners right away.  Next up Hat Guy and I headed down the street to a more comfortable lounge.  The amusement continued, and some more interesting and deeper conversation ensued.  Also, some not so deep conversation ala "If you had any superpower, which one would it be,"  which led to me talking  about a book I read.  As I chattered on and on about reading microscopic and fleeting facial expressions that would ultimately allow you to read one's mind, I experienced a surreal cartoon moment.  You know when Pepe la Pew sees the hot lady cat and immediately his eyes turn into hearts?  Well, that happened...then another thing happened.

"I. Love. You!" 
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Did I tap into Hat Guy's unknown and phenomenally large passion for books? Or possibly an insane interest in facial expressions?  No clue; I giggled, said thank you and continued the conversation, but in my head all I could think was, WOW, I really kick ass at getting dudes to say they love me.  Then I thought, I wonder if I could turn this into some sort of money making venture.  Lessons? Workshops? Advice column? 

Who knows.  But trust this,  I'm starting to keep tabs, and if it happens again, I'm going to call myself an expert.