When I started this blog about a year ago, I really really really just wanted a boyfriend. Lots of things have happened in the last year to make me change my mind. It's not really that I DON'T want a boyfriend now, I've just lost the faith that a boyfriend is the answer. A little late in life to realize this, but here I am, realizing it. Unfortunately, the TITLE of the blog is boyfriend training wheels. I can't really change the title without starting a new blog, but I think I can refocus the meaning of "boyfriend training wheels."
A year ago I was intent on finding a boyfriend, just purely for the experience of it. What I've realized is that it's totally overrated. I've also realized that when I date people, I am not the me I know and love. My best self-reflecting guess to explain that phenomenon is because I have spent most of my adult life as a single, and therefore am most comfortable being so.
I'm also a people pleaser, so when other people enter the picture, my desire to please takes over and I end up focusing less on what I truly want, and instead defer to making sure others are comfortable. This may seem like an insecure thing to do, but let me put it in another context and maybe you won't judge me so much about it. Last night I and three friends were eating at a quaint Thai restaurant. It was a home-like setting, so imagine sitting in somebody's dining room only instead of one table, there are about ten. One of my friends has a 9 month old baby. Baby did so great during the entire meal (which was about 2 hours long) but at the end started to get fussy. Like a tea kettle on the burner, she got more and more heated up until she reached full screaming status. The mom, apparently used to this sort of thing was not phased. I, however, was immediately stressed out and concerned that we were ruining everybody elses dining experience and took Baby outside to wail her head off out there. So there's the prime example: first thought, uh oh, everybody elses experience is ruined. It had nothing to do with what they were going to think of me or my group of friends, if they hated us, if they were angry toward us; I just generally didn't want to disturb them. This kind of thinking translates to my dating life as well. Bad news.
So, instead of continuing on the quest to find a boyfriend, I think I'll change my quest to figure out how I can reconcile this reaction to others, especially in a dating environment. The first solution I'm going to try out is "friends first." Anybody who is interested in me has to cross the moat of friendship before they get a crack at dating me. I'm honest with my friends, and I'm myself with my friends. If I'm only friends with a guy, there is a higher chance I'll see his true colors early on, and he'll really get a true look at who I am off the bat.
Sorry, this entry is neither funny nor entertaining, but I had to get it out there.
